A Barefaced Cheek
20/09/2006 By Shamus
There have been loads of stories, down the years, about people who suffer from stage fright. Now, I guess most singers, actors and whatnot get over these panic attacks by pouring alcohol down their throats; at least, that’s the method most people use, as far as I know. That is, until recently folks, when I read about Carly Simon and her novel approach to banishing the butterflies. According to some disreputable rag I was recently browsing through (and mentally puking over) while waiting at the checkout in Morison’s store in Stoke Newington, Carly gets her band to spank her before she goes on stage. The thing that got me was that she didn’t ask the bass player or guitarist to briskly beat her buttocks, she asked the horn section. The fxxking horn section!
I remember way, way back, in the days of school ties, outbreaks of acne, smelly socks and spunk encrusted underwear, some kid or other coming up to me and saying “ere, I’ve got the horn!” and showing me this bulge in his ill-fitting, horribly stained, cheap polyester trousers. Well, that was the expression in those days ‘though it soon changed to the more familiar ‘hard-on’ with the onset of adulthood. Mind you, this was in London and I wondered what other frothy terms, past or present, you bozos out there used to use, or maybe still use.
So come on, let’s have some fun. Spill some beans and make a horrible stain by squirting all over the Shamus blog page. There’s a prize for the best letter, but I’m not saying what it is, ‘cos I don’t want to appear to rigid, upright, bonkers or hard – OK?
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